Devil Says It May Take Several Days to Count All Souls Democrats Sold Him to Elect Ann Davison

Overwhelmed by the sheer number of Seattle Democrats who sold their souls to him over the last two weeks to elect the city’s first Republican in decades, the Devil announced Tuesday night it would likely take several days to tally exactly how many supposedly progressive voters learned exactly jack shit about systemic racism over the last year.

“I have to admit all these souls Seattle Democrats sold me to elect Ann Davison—a woman who joined the GOP during the Trump administration—for city attorney are even throwing me off-guard,” said the Devil. “A woman who gets cozy with friends of mine like Seattle Police Officers Guild President Mike Solan while standing to that faded, dystopian American flag, or Thin Blue Line flag, whatever you call it? Fine by me! It’s just gonna take me a few days to confirm how many Seattle voters only like to appear fashionably progressive without ever really being progressive.”

Local Democrats’ massive deal with the Devil apparently began when thousands of them actually started listening to conservative blowhards like Tucker Carlson, Jason Rantz and The Seattle Times Editorial Board.

“I just don’t like all those mean things Nicole Thomas-Kennedy said about the police in her tweets, and what for? Just because police here and across the nation have a long history of never being punished or even fired when they repeatedly act as judge, jury and executioner with people of color?” said Seattle Democrat Patty Harkin. “I also heard Ann Davison has a magical wand that makes homeless people disappear when you sweep them out of parks and into jails for $127 a night before they’re inevitably released as even more poor, desperate people back out on the street. Who needs a soul? I’m so excited!”

The Devil says not all the souls Democrats sold him over the last week were to elect Ann Davison, though.

“Oh no, a fair amount were just having their NIMBY and anti-tax rites of passage voting for candidates like Bruce Harrell and Sara Nelson. Don’t worry too much, guys – they’ll still seem like they have souls.  They still have their Black Lives Matters signs on the lawn, that little black square they posted on Instagram back in June 2020, and season tickets at Climate Pledge Arena.”